It's my favorite day.....National Margarita Day.

Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.

"God is as real as I am." he assured me, and my faith was restored, for I knew Santa would never lie.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. I do what I get paid for.

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

Not many people know this, but last summer I worked as a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

"People watch fake survival shows and don't realize that they are living in the real one" Dr. Patch Adams

Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

I'm drunk...I'm armed...I'm off my meds. You had better make your message really, really sweet.